Rated: NC-17 Violence, angst, swearing, war
memories, m/m slash (Face/Murdock)
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephen J. Cannell and Universal.
Title taken from the song "And I Love You So" by Don
McLean
Summary: When Murdock tries to help Face ward off his
nightmares, he is bombarded by memories of when the
two of them met in Vietnam. The past and the present
begin to interweave. . .
Note: This is set about six months before either of
my other stories. It’s my first attempt at a longer
TAT piece. Plus, it’s my first attempt at (partially)
setting a story in Vietnam, during the war. So any
constructive comments are very welcome!
Night Won’t Set Me Free
Part One: Night Maneuvers
The van drifted slowly to a halt three blocks from the
VA and a figure moved through the darkness, out of the
trees toward it.
Murdock climbed in beside BA, throwing a nervous
glance at him, then pulling at his baseball cap and
fiddling with the heater controls.
BA slapped at his hand. "Lea’my van alone, foo’."
Murdock sighed softly and sank back into the passenger
seat as they moved smoothly along the quiet, LA city
streets. His long, graceful fingers continued to
worry the baseball cap.
BA shot him a glance, looked at Murdock’s face in the
light of a passing car. "What you carryin’ on about
anyhow?"
"He. . . I don’t know BA. I don’t know. I just don’t
think he better be alone tonight. The purple wobblies
are migrating."
"Say he goin’ out wi’ some girl."
"Yeah."
"You say he lyin’?"
They were silent.
They’d both heard him cry out the last three nights.
They’d been on a job, stuffed into a small, dank room
like a couple of dry sardines for three nights
running. And they’d woken up when the screaming
meemies came for their friend, trying to drag him off
into the darkness as he fought desperately against
their cold and angry hands. They’d heard his gasps.
Listened to his hoarse and labored breathing as he
tried to slow his drumming heart and find his way
back. They’d each gone to him in turn and been pushed
away.
"Ain’ gonna like it."
"I know. Will you stay awhile, just in case?"
"Ain’ no taxi."
But he would stay.
BA couldn’t go to Face now. Or rather, he could go to
him, knock him down, keep him still, hold him there.
But what then? He didn’t have the words to pierce
through Face’s carefully constructed layers of
defense. BA had known him, had cared for him as
friend and brother for more than fifteen years. They
had been through – more than BA ever wanted to
remember. But Face had had a whole lifetime of hurt.
And the way he dealt with all that hurt, when it
reached up out of the dark places to choke him, was to
keep silent, to push them away, not wanting to bother
them with his pain, not feeling like he was worth
their trouble, not trusting, somewhere deep in his
heart, that they wouldn’t turn him away when they knew
the worst of his demons, the worst of his ‘sins.’
"So you bring a crazy man to do what you cain’t," BA
thought savagely. He was a strong man. Nothing made
him so angry as his own weakness.
If anyone could get through to Face tonight, though,
it was Murdock. Crazyman – you never know what
Crazyman’s gonna do. Harder to defend against what
you can’t see coming.
He’d bring Murdock. And he’d stand watch over them
through the night, like he’d done so many nights
before. It would have to be enough.
The purple wobblies are migrating tonight.
Murdock licked his lips, whistled soundlessly, turned
in his seat to see if, by any chance, Billy had jumped
into the van with him earlier. But he hadn’t.
"Too bad," Murdock thought. "The purple wobblies are
migrating and the screaming meemies are never far
behind. We could use all the help we could get."
They were getting closer to the house. Part of
Murdock wanted to open the door of the van right then,
jump out into the night and start running in the
opposite direction.
"I don’ want to go back, Faceman," he thought. "If it
was anybody but you. . ."
He began to hum loudly, to drown out the memories. He
didn’t have to go back yet. He needed to get ready,
but he didn’t have to go back yet. Murdock was
halfway through the theme song to Bonanza when the
image of him, BA and Face as the Cartwright brothers
leapt into his head, complete with Stetsons, chaps and
horses. "An’ Hannibal could be Pa," Murdock thought.
He began to giggle.
"You ‘kay, foo’?"
Murdock caught his breath and steadied himself. "All
present and accounted for, old Hoss! Have slinky,
will travel." He took a silver slinky out of his
jacket pocket, joggled it between his hands for a
moment, then set it on the dashboard.
"Hmmmmph."
They pulled into the driveway of the beachfront Malibu
home. BA turned off the motor, but neither of them
moved.
"Faceman sure conned himself a good’n’ this time," BA
thought. The house perched on the rocks above a long,
steep cliff that opened right onto ocean. A private,
protected cove far beneath could be reached by stairs
cut right into the rock face. The house was large and
had everything from guest suites to a huge jacuzzi.
Now, though, the house was dark.
BA looked at Murdock. The pilot’s fingers moved
restlessly in his lap. He kept looking up at the
house, then down at his hands, then up at the house
again.
"You wan’ me to come in wit’ ya?" BA asked.
Murdock looked up at him and smiled a little. He
shook his head. Without warning, he lurched over and
kissed BA on the cheek, then leapt out of the van. In
a moment he was across the grass, then on the porch.
He disappeared into the house.
BA had lifted his hand to his cheek immediately to
brush the kiss away. But as Murdock moved out of
sight, he just rested his cheek on his hand and
sighed. It was going to be a long night.
