SECRETS AND LIES
Author: Capt Wolfie (aka Logansmoneypenny)
Copyright: Denise caves <2001>
Rated: R
Pairing: F/M
Archive: yes
Comments: Please
Summary : This is my response to the missing scene challenge, it takes place after the argument in Family Reunion.
Warnings: Talk of Child abuse and domestic violence, m/m consensual relationship if this is not your bag steer clear.
Words could be bitter and twisted, they could cause pain and hurt, but sometimes the silence that followed was far worse than any words ever spoken. That time was now in the aftermath of their heated battle of words; the silence had descended. It hung there in the air stifling everything as the two men stood either side of a mythically drawn line. Each lost within his thoughts, each not daring to make eye contact with the other. It was Murdock that finally broke the silence; despite his earlier words of assurance, the captain was now worried. Now more than ever he needed to hear that everything was fine, that nothing had changed.
"Face, are we ok?" he questioned in a quiet voice.
Face finally looked up into the captain's eyes they were the mirrors to his soul and right now they were looking for reassurance. Face sighed. He couldn't lie, it wasn't fair, he was hurting; he'd lost any chance of knowing who his father really was and Murdock was partly to blame for that. The lack of an immediate response was not lost on Murdock. His heart raced as he fought the rising trepidation.
"Face," he repeated in a voice tinged with desperation.
"He was my father Murdock, and you didn't tell me, why?" Face finally stated in a low voice.
"I wanted to, you don't know how hard it was lying to you, Face, but I thought I was doing the right thing, I really thought AJ was gonna tell ya." Murdock answered.
"Well he didn't, did he, and I'll never find out what he really thought of me, will I?"
"I don't understand, Face, why is what he thinks important; he abandoned you thirty years ago. Hannibal's been more of a father than he ever was."
"Because I wanted to know what it was like to have a father, just like any normal person, just like Hannibal had his and you had yours," Face stated with conviction.
"What do you think it's like, Face? Murdock shot back.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means tell me what you think having a father would be like, muchacho, and I'll show you the reality."
Face sensed there was something more here that he wasn't seeing, Murdock was suddenly angry. It was not directed at Face but his usually warm brown eyes had clouded, concealing a barely reigned rage. The captain was furious at himself; he'd vowed to never let that man control his life the way he had when he was a child. Yet here he was, blood boiling as the memories flooded back, painful and ugly. He slid down the tree till he was sitting on the damp leafy mulch placing his head in his hands he mumbled.
"Sometimes it's best not to know, muchacho."
Murdock brought his head up and laid his arms on his knees, sighing he looked up at the lieutenant. Face's eyes were full of unasked questions, his features softened, etched with concern. The line in the sand was crossed as the lieutenant walked over to the pilot and sat down beside him.
"Talk to me Murdock, what was he like?"
Murdock laughed but there was no humour there, only bitterness and pain, so much pain. Face felt it in waves as it reverberated off of the pilot.
"You really wanna know, think ya can handle the ramblings of a crazy fool?"
"Murdock, just tell me," he insisted.
"He was an animal, Face, I don't know how many times I prayed that he never existed. Living with him was like being in hell. The only place that came closer was Nam."
Murdock sensed rather than actually felt the lieutenant's arm snake around his shoulders in comfort and support. When Face next spoke his voice was dangerously low.
"What did he do to you?"
"I can't Face, I can't go back there, it's…" Murdock trailed off.
"Do you trust me, Murdock?"
"With my life." <with my heart if you'd only let me in>
"Then trust that I'm here for you buddy, I'm always here for you. You need to do this and you won't be alone, we'll do it together. How long have you been carrying this inside you?"
"All my life," the pilot whispered.
Face, sat there stunned, arm still firmly wrapped around his friend's shoulder. Face had no doubt in his mind what the captain was going to tell him, he knew the pain been there himself. `How could I have not seen it, not known that my best friend was hurting. We are kindred spirits, and I never knew,' he wondered sadly.
"Jeezus, Murdock, I'm sorry."
Murdock sighed deeply. Face was right it was time to confide in the only person he'd ever want to know his past. Hannibal was to, all intensive purposes, a father figure to the pilot, so he could never tell the colonel how weak he'd been and BA, well he figured BA wouldn't understand.
"I was nine years old, didn't really understand, I knew he was hurting my mother, she always took the beatings meant for me. I remember him coming home one night, he smelt funny. I was terrified of him; that's when it happened."
"Go on," Face urged gently.
"He was in a terrible rage, screaming at my mother, he dragged her upstairs by her hair, she was screaming for mercy but the bastard paid no attention and started to smack her head against the wall. I wanted to stop him, I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting my mom, but I was too scared. The next thing I heard was a deafening crash, I watched him push her down the stairs, Face this was a beautiful wonderful woman, with so much love and the only image of her I carry is the broken battered body lying at the foot of our stairs."
Murdock's eyes were red with unshed tears, he rubbed at them as a single tear slid down his cheek. The pilot quickly wiped away the offending item and cursed his body for its betrayal. Face was silent, there was no way he could put into words how he felt, he was totally numb. Knocked completely out of the ballpark, wanting to wrap his friend in a blanket of love, yet knowing somehow that this was just the tip of the iceberg.
"I don't know what to say. God Murdock, I'm so sorry."
The pilot was no longer there, he was drowning in a sea of memories barely keeping his head above water and if not for the man sat beside him he would've surely gone under. The words seemed to flow out of Murdock's mouth, tumbling down, now he'd opened Pandora's box the pilot was unable to close it.
"We were alone then, just my father and me in that house, and, with no one to protect me, I was now the target of his wrath."
"Hang on, didn't someone come and take him away?" Face asked.
"Why?"
"Why, for murdering your mother of course?"
"Nobody knew, nobody wanted to know the truth. This was a small hick town, where everybody knew everybody. It was an accident, a tragic accident, Facey," Murdock spat angrily.
"So how long did you live with him?"
"Till I was sixteen. I know what you're thinking - you wanna know why, don't ya?"
Face nodded mutely.
"Because I was terrified of him, he had me under a spell, held me against my will, controlled my life, I was too weak to break the hold."
"Did he ever," Face whispered unable to finish the sentence.
Murdock, nodded, tears he'd fought to hold back now fell freely down his cheeks.
"Just before my eleventh birthday, the beatings lessened, that's when he first started, to, to, touch me," Murdock spluttered.
Face's blood was boiling, how could someone do that to a child, how could someone have done it to him? The lieutenant encased Murdock in his arms as the pilot sobbed on his shoulder. His hand stroked the pilot's head gently whispering soothing words.
"He can't hurt you anymore, nobody's ever gonna hurt you again. Shh I promise."
Murdock lifted his head off of Face's shoulder and sniffed, looking into the depths of those blue eyes.
"You know the worst part, I thought he was being nice to me, I thought it was normal. He used to come in my bedroom at night and we'd `play' together, saying it was our secret and not to tell anyone. Wasn't till I was thirteen I realised it was wrong, that I was a dirty cheap whore, but by then it was too late, I couldn't break the hold. That's when I started escaping inside my head, creating different people to be, as long as I was someone else, my father wasn't raping me."
Face felt physically sick, his grip on his friend grew tighter as Murdock's body convulsed into another fit of sobbing.
"Why did he hate me, Face? What made me deserve that?"
"Nothing, Murdock, you did nothing wrong, you can't think like that, he's the one that's abnormal not you, you must believe that."
Face's eyes were damp as he gently rocked the captain till the sobs had stopped. Locked in that embrace Murdock felt safe and protected and loved.
"I'm so sorry, Murdock, I've acted like an idiot."
"Face, you had every right to be angry with me."
"But you were right, I did put too much importance on having a father," Face stopped mid sentence as the sudden realisation hit him.
"Why muchacho?
"I just wanted to be loved, ya know unconditional, no strings attached."
Murdock pulled out of the embrace his eyes shining from crying, `maybe today was a day for all truths to be told,' he decided.
"Then you've been looking in the wrong place, Face, don't have to look any further than me, I love you."
"I know you do, Murdock."
"No, you don't," the pilot answered.
He stood up and started pacing. Face remained sitting on the mulch watching the animated pilot.
"You just can't see it can you? Jeezus you have no idea, no clue how hard it's been for me to lie to you for fifteen years. To keep up the pretence, but sometimes it's right to lie, sometimes it's for the greater good. It keeps friendships together, protocol and all.
Well to hell with protocol it's time for the truth."
"Murdock, what exactly are you babbling on about?" Face questioned, confused.
"I'm *in* love with you Face," Murdock shouted, spelling it out in nice big letters.
Face sat shell-shocked on the ground. He was about to speak when a rustling alerted him to the fact that they had company. The lieutenant quickly got up and regained his composure as Frankie strode into the clearing.
"Johnny wants you back at the house, it's gonna go down soon," Frankie stated.
Murdock nodded and followed Frankie, back to the house; Face was not too far behind them. Frankie could sense something was wrong between the two men who were usually joined at the hip.
"Is everything all right?"
"Fine, Frankie, everything's fine."
"Yeah, muchacho, it's fine," Murdock, insisted.
`I've just lost my best friend, why shouldn't things be fine,' Murdock thought dejectedly.
*********************
Secrets and Lies, part 2/2
Face watched from behind as Murdock's shoulders slouched; his whole being screamed defeat. The lieutenant was lost within his own thoughts; suddenly everything made more sense. Murdock had always shied away from relationships, at first Face had thought it was because of being in the VA, but now he knew better. `Murdock was scared of becoming his father; it was that simple so he'd direct his love at someone else someone he trusts, me. What other reason could there be? He couldn't really love me, could he?' Face reasoned. They needed to talk, so much had been left unsaid but before he'd had the chance Frankie had appeared and then the fireworks had started. All hell broke lose as the goons tried to attack the house and were easily defeated.
*********
Shortly after that Ellen Bancroft had left with the diary to expose Jacob Edwards to congress. The team stayed at the house, tidying up loose ends. Frankie and Hannibal were relaxing in the living room, Face sat out on the small bench he'd shared with Ellen, a woman he now realised could very well be his half sister. BA was tinkering with some electronic devices he'd been working on. Murdock strolled into the room he looked agitated.
"Colonel, I'm gonna take a walk, check the perimeter and get some air."
"Very well, Captain, just remember we move out of here at fifteen hundred."
Murdock nodded and darted out of the front door. From his vantage point Face had seen everything. He'd not said a word to the captain since they'd left the woods; it was time to clear the air. Face leapt up and hurried back into the house ignoring the look he received from BA, it was only the sound of Hannibal's stern voice that stopped him in his tracks.
"And were do you think you're going, lieutenant?"
"Just for a walk, thought I could catch Murdock up," Face hedged.
"Try again, Face," Hannibal insisted.
Face sighed inwardly and resolved himself to telling the colonel what had happened, well enough to get him off his back anyway.
"Look, Murdock and I had a fight, I just want to clear the air, that's all, and I didn't wanna worry ya."
"So that's why you two have been so quiet, I knew there was something up, when I came and got ya in the woods," Frankie added.
"Look, Hannibal, please, let me go talk to him, I need to set him straight."
"All right, Face, you can go, but we'll talk about this later,"
"Sure, Hannibal."
Face smiled and then hurried out of the living room through the front door towards the wooded area. The lieutenant knew he was gonna get a lecture from the Colonel but right now that was the least of his worries. Murdock had bared his soul today, yet Face still couldn't help wondering if the feelings were real. He broke into a steady jog and finally caught up with the pilot.
"Murdock, wait, we need to talk, this is ridiculous," Face panted.
Murdock stopped and turned round.
"You're right, we do need to talk Facey, you first," he insisted.
Face got his breath back, he looked up his cheeks were flushed from the exertion; to Murdock he was beautiful, even now.
"Look, we need to clear the air here, I know you told me you're in love with me but we were both stressed and emotional. So you probably didn't mean it."
Murdock shook his head violently.
"No, I meant it Face every word of it, but I don't expect ya to feel the same way about me, you're a lady's man, muchacho, I know that, I don't wanna lose our friendship so forget I ever said it ok, can ya do that?"
Face was overwhelmed, and then he looked at Murdock, really looked at him, those warm brown eyes brimming with concern bore into him. The lieutenant understood why anybody hurting Murdock cut him to the core of his being, he recognised love when he saw it sparking in the captain's eyes. Realised it didn't frighten or repulse him, knew that he wanted it as much as Murdock needed to give him that unconditional love. Murdock felt Face's eyes bore into him and he was terrified he'd ruined everything, friendship was enough, why hadn't he been satisfied with that; he'd ruined it all now.
"Face, please just forget it, I never said it, we can go back we…" Murdock babbled.
"Murdock, shut up," Face insisted, placing his lips over the captain's.
The kiss was tentative at first Face was following his instincts, having never kissed a man in his life before. Murdock's world was spinning, Face was kissing him, was he dreaming? Then Murdock started responding, his tongue tracing the lieutenant's lower lip seeking entrance to the blond's moist mouth. Face's lips parted, allowing Murdock to probe the depths. He moaned at the sensations sparked through his body. Their tongues duelled for supremacy, arms entwined around each other, hands wandered, caressing and learning. Murdock could feel the tightening of material in his groin area. He also knew he wanted their first time to be special. This was not the time or the place. Reluctantly he pulled back from Face and smiled.
"I want you so much, but now isn't the time. I want it to be right, muchacho, you are the only person I've ever loved, this is for life."
He kissed Face again and revelled in the taste of his new lover before breaking away again breathlessly. The lieutenant wondered how he could have lived without this kind of love for so long. Taking Murdock's hand in his own, he kissed the fingers gently.
"I love you, Murdock, don't ever leave me."
"You don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say those words. I could never leave you babe, you're stuck with me for always."
"You mean that?"
"I've never spoken words truer."
Content with Murdock's answer Face snaked his arm around Murdock's waist, leaning into the embrace. He'd never been happier in his entire life and as they slowly strolled through the woods together, always together, Face vowed there would be no more secrets and lies between them ever again.
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