Focus and Insomnia

Friday, April 19 2002

Pardon me while I blink a few times in disorientation. Didn't April just start? It's already April 19th and that makes it seem like the month is almost over.

I can sort this one out. Let's see. My appointment with the surgeon was on April 1st. Next, my friend went into the hospital on April 4th or 5th. She was there 12 days so that brings us to the 16th or 17th. Then, I had the problem with the MRI to deal with and I started the insurance process yesterday. That brings me all the way to today with all the time accounted for somehow.

That helps but not as much as you'd think. When I was working, the passage of time always seemed like a good thing to me because it meant getting closer to the next paycheck. Now, it's just this river that flows by at unpredictable speeds. I've lost touch with a lot of the routines that once marked life so clearly.

A lot of this is a good thing. The sixth of every month used to mark the day that the apartment complex would apply a late fee to our rent. It was also the day we'd hold our breaths hoping that our car insurance payment went through ok. Later, we'd make it to the 15th and that was the due date for other bills that got taken directly out of our accounts. The 29th of the month was car payment day.

Much of how I've lost track of time reflects the easing of the old constant financial crisis. We've gotten to the point where we're paying bills like rent pretty far in advance most months. Money for the car payment and car insurance will be there.

Complacency always replaces crisis in my life. It could be argued that I should be taking charge even more now than I ever did during any crisis. That would mean making moves to get ahead. Since I haven't done so, I've pretty much asked for a return to the old constant crisis.

Crisis plays a huge role in my life. It's when I'm at my best but there has to be a better way of getting that high. This was going to be the month where I would make the moves to get us ahead and I've failed. I've had plenty of time, reasonable health and no crises that demanded my full attention. Obviously, what I've lacked is motivation.

May will be the three pay cycle month that I had thought was coming in March. There will be no excuse not to take some aggressive action next month. It would be better to start off from a nice, stable position left over from this month but I have to work with reality and not wishes.

Last night, I came wide awake around 2am. We're talking completely alert and ready to take on the world. This happens far too often now so I need to come up with a way to make use of that time. I'm tired of being that ready for action and having no way to channel the energy.

I had an idea strike me that I might put into action. If I wake up like that in the middle of the night, I should keep an insomnia journal. It might be filled with all the things I'd like to do with that energy in the middle of the night. Of course, the key would be reading it the next morning and putting some of those plans into action.

It would be nice to get that feeling of being caged directed toward a plan. Right now, the feeling is all about being awake and having nothing I can do about it. You could call me the world's most boring adrenaline junkie. I can spend weeks helping someone implement a small change in their lives and living off that high. Coming down from it can really suck.

Right now, I've seen extensive success with someone trying to shake off her abused past. Immediately, the question hits me. What's next? You can't stand still in life so moving forward seems like a must. That's partially the high talking. You can stand still in life for a little while. Sometimes, it's the random efforts to keep moving forward that throw you backward.

There's a lot to be said for the pause between efforts. It's a time for patting each other on the back, catching up on sleep and enjoying gains. After that, the next problem will come into focus soon enough. Not everyone is an adrenaline junkie so forgetting the pause can be pretty damn demoralizing. People ask me why I don't think they did well enough and I give lousy answers.

The real answer is that you've done better than well enough. Enjoy your success even though experience will teach you how temporary it always is. Maybe it will be a while before the next battle. We can always hope.

So far, I've gotten three phone calls while writing this entry. This includes two wrong numbers and one call from my grandmother. Grandmom left a message in her mournful voice reminding me that we haven't talked in a while and she wanted to know what's up. In other words, she wants me to call her and give her some good news about my health situation.

I could call her back and tell her that I feel lousy. "I feel shitty! Oh so shitty! I feel shitty and witty and..." That would just get me a lecture on positive mental attitude. Of course, there is news. I've gotten the anti-Chiari offensive moving again. That just means absolutely nothing in the short term.

Yes, I have called the insurance company and gotten the approval procedure. I've called my doctor and gotten that procedure started. I've gotten someone to agree to mail me the forms I need to fill out in order to be seen at North Shore. In other words, the ball is out of my court for at least a few days. When the forms arrive, I will fill them out and mail them back in.

Is the process moving fast enough for me? No, I'd like to have been cured yesterday! Of course, there is no cure for an Arnold Chiari Malformation. There is only treatment. If I were successfully treated, I'd remain one wrenched neck away from being right back where I started for the rest of my life.

Is this a negative attitude? I don't think so because I don't plan on lying down and letting physical disability defeat me. I was castigated yesterday at length by someone else with spina bifida for being too concerned with concealing my condition and not concerned enough for living life. I replied that my overall strategy is in the process of changing but that didn't get me spared.

Part of me wanted to lash out but I knew better. Lashing out just shuts people up and I need contrarian views. Years ago, I was infamous for my treatment of those who disagreed with me and that might have led to some of the most difficult years of my late childhood. Now, I'll accept the criticism even if I don't always take it to heart.

The New Year began with a top down review and now the changes I considered are being implemented. A lot of them involve focused interventionism but the majority will take effect right here at home. If there's an overall theme, it's that I cannot afford to settle for anything less than the best.

The anti-Chiari offensive, focused intervention within my closest circles and changes at home are all parts of the plan that's coming together. The intervention is, of course, the most interesting part for me since that's where my tendncies lie. It's also been the area of most visible success. The anti-Chiari offensive has a tremendous potential upside but faces the greatest inertia.

That leaves the homework so to speak. I'd have to say that's going pretty well but it's the area I'm least free to write about. The recent crushing blows I've delivered on behalf of IRC allies have all involved people I've identified in no way in this journal. My health is my business so I can write about it as much as I want. Therefore, those two areas have been the focus of my writing.

This is one of those distortions natural to journals. I choose not to write about my home life because all of my readers know my home life consists of one person. I've identified her by name quite a few times. You would be greatly mistaken if you were to think not writing about my home life meant I was settling.