State of the Mind Address

Monday, December 2 2002

I'm sure you're aware of the old expression, "a day late and a dollar short." This entry is a day late but there's no money involved. That's just best for all involved. There's no good reason why I didn't write yesterday. I spent almost all day playing "Black & White." The evil god of the second and third levels kidnapped Harry and I had to respond.

My happy, furry guy was being tortured so I had to respond. I'm not viewed quite as kindly by the angelic side of my conscience anymore. My response consisted mainly of roasting every single evil villager alive. I was too short on resources to risk doing it the slow way so I launched a violent frontal assault. Harry is safe and sound but celebrated by eating one of my villagers. I'm sure it was just a reminder that he loves me.

That's enough excuses for today so I'll go on with the usual format. As most readers probably know by now, I reserve the first entry of the new month for a broad entry about life in general. I call it the "State of the Mind Address" and it's broken down into the physical, psychological, social and financial aspects of my life. If I have any ongoing projects, I'll report on them as well.

The physical won't be all that interesting because I can sum up how I feel in the word, "lousy." I know it's a broken record again but everything hurts plus I feel worn out. The neurosurgeon prescribed something that didn't work particularly well before but I think my standards have gone down. Any relief is a blessing and this stuff seems to reduce my joint aches a bit.

My body seems to want more sleep. Instead of getting up regularly at 7am, 8am is starting to look like my earliest wakeup time. This is ok because I am staying up later. Instead of going to bed at 10pm and lying awake until one in the morning, I'm just going to bed after midnight again. There's usually more to do at night but my writing has suffered.

I'm pretty ok psychologically right now. I nearly flew off the handle this morning when I learned that the local hospital bastards want forty dollars for a copy of my surgical report. The only reason why I didn't is that I have the money. It's something that can come out of my North Shore budget pretty reasonably. That's ahead of schedule.

Yep, that's financial but I can't think of any recent bouts of depression that were significant. I've adapted pretty well to the recent worsening of my condition. The reason is that I'm ten days away from my surgical consultation. That's almost like being able to do something about the problem.

The social realm is highlighted by the fact that the Thanksgiving plan went better than expected. I got to watch most of the football game. That was something I'd decided to forget. There weren't enough people there to really crowd me and the people there stayed pretty evenly divided. It was downright pleasant with with buffet style eating. I'm more comfortable with that than with family style. Best of all, Mom made crab cakes!

I had been worried about being overwhelmed with questions. No, I wasn't really worried about real questions. It's the rhetorical kind that I can't stand. Why won't they do something for me? I have some days when I get a perverse pleasure out of answering rhetorical questions. Why won't they do something for me? It depends on which they you mean. There are a number of technical reasons but nearly all are disputable.

There were only a few questions and then the topic changed. It felt pretty natural except for when people kept volunteering to do things for me. I wanted to get my own food because I knew exactly how much I wanted! It also gave me a chance to see the other half of the crowd for a bit. People did circulate and I had a pretty good day as far as my wits went.

When everyone was leaving, I collapsed. I don't mean that I fell to the floor because I'm too experienced to let that happen often. I mean that I reached my limit of sensory flooding at an inconvenient moment. There's a signal I get that tells me it's time to sit down. When it happens, I can't even tell people not to talk to me very well. The fastest way out of it is for me to zone a while. If you need to ask me something, don't pressure me. My automatic answer is no. I will probably change my mind later when the ability to function returns.

Melissa just told me something today that helps me understand her financial attitude. She does better when she thinks of us as just on the good side of poverty. I might have to agree with this. Since we've taken on this as our operating philosophy, our rate of savings has jumped. Right now, we're saving for something specific. The key is that the habit can endure even after the North Shore matter is finished.

As you might figure, the use of "savings" does hint that we are doing relatively well. Nothing is behind as of right now. Of course, things start coming due next week. I need to be attentive. I suppose you can say that about all of my life right now. I'm doing ok but I need to be attentive.