Bad News

Thursday, February 21 2002

Today's soundtrack is "Mozart's Salzburg Symphonies" from the 10 CD set my mother in law gave me. I told her that I like to listen to instrumental music while I write and she listened. Mozart and Beethoven are my favorites so far. Right now, I'm listening to "Symphony Number 1 in D,K" and am digesting some news.

The news is terrible but not tragic for sure. A friend of mine has cancer that will require surgery. The prognosis is for a full recovery from the cancer after surgery and chemotherapy. How do I help? I know from personal experience that surgery sucks and this will be far more serious than what I had done.

Five minutes of reading told me that a perfect outcome is still pretty terrible. The good news is that she will survive. The bad news is that the surgery will be ugly. I'm not going to reveal what kind of surgery but the resulting problems will last a very long time.

She's still in the "thinking about it" stage. I understand this and won't give her the same bullshit people gave me. Even when surgery is a must, you still need to think about it. Call it getting mentally ready rather than thinking about it. It took me a couple weeks to get mentally ready.

Sitting on the outside, I already know she'll have the surgery. Despite my recently expressed distaste for interventions, I will be involved. Obviously, I can't be too directly involved but I will be doing something. I know I won't be able to be physically present but I can't just watch this happening.

Of course, I have to be careful. She's one of my regular readers so she's read about my terror of surgery. She knows how unpleasant it was to be so down physically. I need to emphasize one thing a bit more. I need to remind you all that I want surgery that will fix me once and for all. I'm willing to go through it again.

Even though my only symptoms today are fatigue and low level pain, I would get right up on the table. No, I wouldn't enjoy it but I have enough faith in God and medical science to do it. Yes, surgery is bad but you have to remember my love of freedom and complaining when reading my writing about it. Melissa, for one, thinks I'm way too hard on the vampires IV nurses.

Did I say just fatigue and low level pain? This pleasant Mozart music is like a voice repeating "close your eyes" to me. No, it isn't boring but it is very soothing.

I have to wonder some times if I'd sleep 24 hours a day if I weren't wound up about something or other. Maybe I'll make some coffee and try to boost my productivity level. Then again, the memory thing is doing quite well too. I intended to go downstairs and get myself some water. After all, I could always use this highly advanced stop function on the CD player. Instead, water got me sidetracked to coffee. Coffee got me sidetracked to the idea that I'd miss something on this CD if I got up.

That got me thinking about how I didn't really want to get out of the chair. Finally, I noted that the Andante movement of a particular piece was very interesting and I was thirsty for some reason. Oh, I hadn't gotten the water yet. This time, I stopped what I was doing and waited for the end of the piece.

Now, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a jug of water. While I was down there, I double checked to make sure I'd taken all my meds. I had and I was impressed enough to reward myself with a few pieces of fudge sitting here by my coffee. Rats! I guess I could really have rewarded myself if I'd remembered to carry the vacuum upstairs.

I guess I knew it would be a fatigue day because I washed dishes this morning. When Melissa's working late, I tend to put off chores. The prospect of carrying the vacuum upstairs is daunting right now. Sometimes, I feel guilty because a daunting task gets put off. Usually, I end up doing it later when it's not so daunting. Later can mean anything from an hour to a week.

I'd rather blame myself but that's the way life is for those of us with long term illnesses. I was pretty lazy before I got sick but now I think I work pretty close to my abilities. How can I really get mad at myself while listening to the first movement of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" from the CD with that title?

It wasn't that long ago that I promised to stop wasting time. That's a promise I've kept up pretty well. Even then, I mentioned it was a promise to stop wasting time by my standards. Listening to Mozart and writing here is no waste of time. Playing "Civ II" or "Diablo II" or some other great game is not a waste of time. Playing "Windows Freecell" is usually a waste of time because I only do it when waiting for something or someone.

I wouldn't be surprised if "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" turns out to be my favorite CD in the collection. There's so much movement in the first piece. No single theme is constantly repeated in the same key. Yes, I can pick out a single theme played in variation but that's usually the point of a classical piece. (Mozart is, in fact from the classical period. Therefore, it's ok to call it classical music. Bach is Baroque and very different from a classicist.)

That nappy feeling still won't go away. I've had a (double sized) mug of coffee and exactly one and a half pieces of fudge. That did wonders for my headache that had crept out beyond low level but did little for my energy level. I got plenty of sleep (almost 12 hours) yet I just can't snap out of it.

It's not depression. I know the signs of depression and sleepiness isn't one of them. Ok, it can be one of them but I'm not sleeping to avoid the world. In fact, I'm not in bed and have no trouble getting out of it. It's not caffeine related. I had no coffee for a couple of days in there. My heart isn't even involved. It's not racing anymore without reason and I'd place a bet my blood pressure and pulse have gone down recently.

Now that I know what it isn't, I can tell you a little of what it is. Last weekend, I suffered from sensory overload. Despite having the world's greatest houseguests, I was still worn out. This means I should contact friends and ask them over more frequently and hope I benefit from the increased exposure. It's just so tiring to do and think of doing.(Note: I did it anyway and emailed a friend.)

Ok, this is the last thing I'm going to write on the fatigue topic for the day. The coffee did have some effect. I'm wide awake and dead tired. It's pretty low on the chuckle scale even for me but still noteworthy. One thing I need to do is get back in the habit of eating better. My inlaws buy a lot of their own food when they're here and then leave it. It's all very good food but some isn't all that good for me. When we start to run out of it, I'll go back to my better habits.

Ok, we have another five pages or so done on the new draft. What I thought was going to be a filler section took off into serious character development. Somehow, I don't think I have room for any more filler anywhere.

There's nothing really meant to be filler now but the second or third draft will cut the little that is there. The problem will be in the first part. Everything there has a potential for fluff because it's all seeds for later events. I'm a little worried about the transition from the second to the third part. That's going to require some work. After all, the ground has been laid for one obvious track but the reader should know it isn't taken from the previous book. Instead, another less obvious track is taken.

Unlike in the original book, I want the reader to question the protagonist's decisions. The obvious track is a decent one so he should come off a bit odd for abandoning it. Even better, he should be considered an idiot for not even seeing his chance there. The theme of mistrusting fate is abandoned here for a while and the reader will see how it ends up.

I'm working on a shattering last scene for the book. It's based on something told in the first book but I'm depending on the reader's hope for a different ending. I want the reader to go back and wonder how the first track would have turned out. Yes, the protagonist would have avoided the specific unhappy ending here but might also have missed the happy ending of the other book. Would it have turned out similarly anyway?

The premise of the first book is that the protagonist says "aw, fuck it" for the third time. The first two times, his heart is broken. The third time ends better yet he is left with very real problems. What sort of person reaches out three times in two years expecting heartache each time?

Ok, I lied. Exhaustion is claiming me. I would just like to send my wishes and prayers out to my friend one more time (for today.) It's time to finish this up and go to bed.