The Beginner's Guide to First Dates

Saturday, February 23 2002

Lynda, of No Return Access, wrote an entry on her worst date ever. While reading it, I realized that there is something very unfair going on. Some of us manage to get through childhood, adolescence and all the way into adulthood without any training in first date ettiquete. Yes, like Reuben from her entry, I am a 27 year old Internet nerd.

First dates can be terrible or average for the man involved. You may ask how I would know and the answer is simple. People tell me things. My last official first date was a school dance back when I was 14. Meeting someone you've fallen for on the Internet isn't really a first date. Unless you are really good, she already has some clue of what you're like.

Why go through a first date? The reason is simple. You are trying to get to the all important second date and more after that. You are also trying to enjoy the experience of being around someone of the opposite sex. Rememeber this later.

There are various methods of getting a first date but that is another subject for another day. This guide assumes you have already obtained a first date by legal means. (Kidnapping is bad and does not count.)

First dates can be a bit like real estate. Location matters. You want to go to a public place where there is, at least, minimal separation between you and others. If your chosen location is too private, she may assume you are just trying to get into her pants. (If you are, shame on you! This is a first date!) This could lead to her taking back your hard earned yes or denying it ever happened later. If the location is too public, she might blend in with others and be able to claim it was a group thing and not a date.

Come prepared to pay for all date related expenses. You will need the flexibility at some point. Don't assume you'll be paying for it all, though. In past times, paying for everything was a clear sign you are on a date. I have personally been burned by paying for everything on a date only to have everything denied later. (Maybe if I'd kept receipts...) She may wish to split costs with you. Don't argue too hard because such a gesture can be used to help arrange a second date. Finally, you might not wish to offer to pay as the result of a bad first date. It would probably be bad form to leave her there washing dishes if she's a bitch and unable to split the check but you can use that moment of doubt as revenge.

Secondly, date preparation is important. Wear the best clothes you think won't make you stand out. First dates are not a time for her to get to know you. (Pay attention. This is a recurring theme.) Even if you've never done it before in your life, wash and brush your hair. Getting it cut is not out of the question. Brush your teeth and use deodorant for God's sake! Even if she has seen you in your natural mode before, she's been hoping you're secretly someone else.

The planned activity for a first date is important. It should involve an element of fun that both of you can salvage even from the worst of dates. It should also involve an element of conversation. You want to give the illusion that she is getting to know you after all.

Here's the tough part. Here is the list of acceptable first date conversation topics: her, her and her. That's right. You want her to talk as much as humanly possible. She may ask you about yourself but let's be honest. She's really just being polite. Everyone wants to talk about themselves whether they keep it a secret or not. You may want to talk about yourself but you must remember your objective. You are seeking a second date above all else.

When she asks about you, give her as little information as you can. Place of employment is usually ok. With every answer, slip in a hint that you are boring and would much rather talk about her. Yes, you may have your own hobbies and interests. My biggest hobby is studying and talking about social, economic, military and political history from the 1860s until today with an emphasis on how and why things changed the way they did. Even my wife is bored to death by this subject. I have my fellow geeks for times when I'd like to babble on about that.

You went on this date in part to be around someone of the opposite sex. Take the time to soak in the ambience. Listen to her and make short yet empathetic responses. It's very simple. You take something from one of her last sentences and rephrase it as your own observation. "My last boyfriend treated me like dirt." "That was rotten of him. You deserve better." Verbally notice other things about her going for the subtler things. In other words, knockers are not something you want to mention. Instead, compliment her hair or her eyes.

Why should I do this when my hobbies are so much more interesting than anything about her? It's simple, buddy! If you really believe that's true, you need to get out of the house more. Of course, there may very well be times when it is true. If so, run for your life. You have just discovered the ugly truth. There are people out there even less date-able than you.

I discovered this fact back on a college disaster no sane person would ever admit to calling a date. Her name was Viv and getting her to talk about herself was no problem. She knew something about everything and lectured me on everything from history to philosophy. She had opinions on things that really couldn't exist. It wasn't just the constant stream of factual errors and poor logic that drove me away. My failure to run (not walk) to the nearest exit almost resulted in a second date.

Ok. Let's assume you've managed to keep her talking about her favorite topic the entire time. Make sure you listen for things you should remember. If she likes to talk about the collection of corpses in her closet, a second date is probably a bad idea. If she admits that her stuffed animals really do talk to her, it's a judgement call. You have, of course, not mentioned any of your own flaws. She seems safe and seems to be having a good time near the end of the date.

The time has come to work on a second date. You should arm yourself with specific plans if you intend to succeed. Emergency concert or club tickets based on what you've learned about her can be obtained. Don't ask if she'd like to go out again sometime. Ask if she'd like to do something specific designed for her. It may be a meal at another restaurant. That makes it easier to tell a genuine "I'm busy" from a brushoff.

At worst, you have accomplished something. You have been seen in public with a member of the opposite sex. That increases your date-ability. You might be able to put something on the dating history section of your resume. Oddly enough, it's best to leave pleasant dates off that list. I've never been on a good date with anyone other than my wife. Honest. I mean it.