Every once in a while, I get hit with flare ups of a different sort. Usually, I'm pretty good about dealing with the constraints of reality but there is a dreamer within me. From time to time, that dreamer wants to be a father.
Wouldn't I make a good one? I'm already home all day, I have plenty of time on my hands, I never really want to go out and I don't sleep very well. I know that's silly, of course. The other side of the coin is just as simple. I'd make a lousy father because I can't work to provide for a baby.
Karen used to tell me that I'm somewhat unusual because I see how closely my strengths and weaknesses are linked. I have a lot of self confidence in some ways and that leads me to set higher standards for myself than what I'd expect in others. Unfortunately, that leads to the twin weaknesses of undermining myself by setting myself up for failure and looking down on others by not even giving them a chance to meet my standards.
One reason why I think I'd be a good father is that I see good things within hardship. I could handle being insanely sleep deprived. I've done it before, I'm doing it now and I'll do it again. My frustration tolerance is higher than most. Chiari has done some good things for me mentally in that respect. I also think I have a lot of love to give.
Unfortunately, I have a lot of medical expenses and days when I am completely sidelined by pain. It bothers me that I will never be readier or less ready than I am today. My strengths and weaknesses are swirling around each other. One moment one side of the coin shows and the other shows in the next.
Since it won't happen that way for a spina bifida patient like me, I look at how I'd react to an "accident." I know exactly what I'd do. First, I'd panic for a little while. Then, I'd act to make it all work. I'd mobilize resources, make plans and get in the right frame of mind. It would be the new reality and that would be that.
In some ways, it seems like the best way to become a parent. The more I read written by parents my age, the more I realize that no one is qualified for the job. I once wondered how an incontinent parent could teach a normal child potty training. Then, I realized that it isn't easy for any parent. No parent has instinctive knowledge on the subject and most use books or mentors. People become parents by default and they do a good enough job.
Why don't I consider that a viable option? With or without good reason, I believe my family wouldn't react in the usual excited fashion. I think they'd tell me I'm an idiot and offer to help with an abortion. The only thing that bothers me more is that I believe they'd be typical grandparents where my sister is concerned.
Am I just being a typical history buff or is there something wrong here? This generation hasn't changed things that much, right? Most parents express some sort of interest in being grandparents. Yes, they might bitch and moan about how old it would make them look but they want grandchildren. Melissa's mother wants to be a grandmother.
It could be just another instance of them knowing I'm handicapped and treating me differently. They have a bad habit of assuming that I can't do things. Whenever there's an unknown, they seem to think it's impossible for me. It would be mean to push something that I can't do.
That didn't seem to stop them whenever the ability in question was something they wanted. Once again, I could just be taking an overly historical view but aren't grandchildren more important than diving? I was pressured to learn how to dive and they don't even kid about grandchildren.
No, I'm not a beginner in family politics here. I know how I could go about dealing with this. I'd have to start bringing up parenting slowly with them. I'd have to start the right rumors in the right places. Sooner or later, they would start thinking of it as something more or less inevitable. Then I could act with a free hand and a reasonable chance at their support.
That's just not something I want to do. I want to be independent of them to an extent far greater than I am today. I've tried the idea of being junior partner in an alliance with them and it hasn't worked. Yes, the bare framework of it has succeeded from my point of view. I have a roof over my head and I'm not engaged in daily combat.
There was another idea here that made a lot of sense to me. This was supposed to bring us all together. It was working for almost a year and then my father broke the peace. Since then, nothing has happened. Promising change has broken down into eerie silence.
The silence scares me as much as the Chiari hurts. Both are daily aches that impair me and flare up into agony from time to time. Neither is something that I can attack directly. At this point, I'm not even sure where the anti-Chiari fight stands and I'm even less sure about my family. I don't remember the name of the law, similar to "Murphy's Law," that states anything that drifts out of sight will languish its way toward complete entropy. I just know that it's true.
When I'm realistic, I realize that I do have about five years for this to work out. That would put Melissa in her mid-30s and me in my early 30s. That's longer than I've had Chiari so anything could happen in that timeframe. Something extraordinary could happen between now and then. After all, I do have my degree now.
No, that's a bad example this time. Five years ago, I was expecting to graduate after a quick summer session. Four years ago is a better example. At that point, I'd decided graduating was something off in the future somewhere. I had a good job and Melissa so why did it matter? Life can change awfully fast and we're still kinda young.