Back to the Brick Wall

Friday, August 19 2005

For a few days, I started to look forward to things again. I wanted to get up in the morning and attack the day like I used to do so long ago. I wanted to do what I needed to do in order to manage my symptoms and remain productive. Since I didn't have to continue a pointless fight, I thought about going on with my life. All that has changed. Wham!

My future has gone back to black. There are fights in my immediate future that will be utterly pointless. I thought I had avoided them but they are back. There's little or nothing I can say about it now. The years will continue to tick away as I beat my head against a brick wall over and over.

Last night, I dreamed that I went to hell. I don't mean in the traditional sense of dying without God's forgiveness but in some sort of sci-fi/fantasy way. There was a magic helmet of some sort and the wearer believed he alone would be spared hell. It turned out that everyone who had worn it for any amount of time had damned themselves somehow. I woke up when I couldn't think of anything worse than my symptoms at full strength.

Five years of experience have gone straight down the tubes. Every time I've tried to overcome it all, I just make myself worse.

Ah, someone has now volunteered to beat their head on the brick wall for a while. This is good for me and I can't imagine others getting the same treatment I'm avoiding. Of course, I know things could get better if that wall were to come down. I just knew that I'd take a lot of short term damage that might have overwhelmed the good. This is probably the best possible solution even though success is still unlikely.