Lag Time

Friday, May 9 2008

Between the time I wrote that I didn't feel like I was hurtling toward a cliff and when I posted the entry, I started feeling that way. I feel better than I did then and I find this amusing. Economists argue about the best way to fix this or that problem with the economy. The one thing they seem to agree on is that the problem will probably solve itself or change in some fundamental way so that the "help" is pointless. Our government's ability to make things better is limited by the fact that they can only see what happened before.

It's a little bit like journalling about how I feel. When I feel truly wretched, I cannot make myself write. I don't write, much less post, until the moment has passed. For example, I find myself writing about sleep a lot. If I'm getting a lot of sleep, it doesn't leave much time for writing. My body and mind have been demanding up to 16 hours of sleep not including the time spent falling asleep. Obviously, this didn't happen today because I'm at my desk writing.

Today, I'm up writing and listening to Pierre Robert's "Workforce Blocks." The small aches and pains are adding up now. I have a choice of trying for a nap now or listening to this show. Melissa's working late today so I can't go into the bedroom and sleep with the radio on. She would say she wouldn't mind but I don't like to do things I know she'd prefer I didn't do. Just as I finished that last sentence, her alarm went off. It might not mean she's staying up but it just shows the lag time I've been writing about.

I should go take one of my pills that I need to take four times a day. All my other meds are three times a day or "as needed." Drat! I just went downstairs without even checking to see if I had taken the first set of three times a day pills. Having a container to put each day's doses in only helps when you check it often. It can get absurd when you're only up eight hours a day and trying to take meds in doses intended for a 16 hour day. I think I've settled on the nap whether sleep is involved or not.

What is the difference between a nap and a refreshing night's sleep? I don't know anymore to be honest. One difference is that I treat myself to a cup or two of good coffee when I wake up in the morning. Cereal has become a 24 hour thing since I know what's in it and I know it's the closest thing to an ideal food for me. Yesterday, I had a bowl of soup before the attempted nap and had the other serving during the Phillies game. It's frustrating to be so handcuffed.

While it is nice to know that we're making it through this financial rough spot, it's annoying to watch every penny. There are two more promised payments this month and then I hope we can finish next month. I hope to avoid falling behind anywhere else this month but it will be difficult. The good news is that this problem will go away even if it will be back next winter. We're official victims of our nation's enslavement to fossil fuels.

I hate grousing about money since we're getting so much help from family but I have a purpose here. With so much of our income going to fixed expenses, we have little left over for price hikes. When we went to see where all our money was going, it was scary. All the staples (no puns please) of life are getting more expensive.

Milk is going up, bread is skyrocketing and there are structural reasons why these prices might not go down. With the cost of gasoline and diesel so high, it costs more to transport the stuff around. Farmers are seeing higher profits in biofuels (like ethanol) so they are devoting less of their crops for use as food. Farm state senators and reps are hurting us by serving their constituents less than helpfully. At the same time as demand is skyrocketing, giant farming corporations are getting subsidies to grow less. Family farms don't get the big subsidies and they always get hit by problems with housing issues like the mortgage-crunch-fueled drop in house values.

We need these price adjustments. Gasoline has been kept artificially cheap with incentives given to corporations since the oil shock days. I was alive then but I have no memory of it. The only way to avoid another one is to let fuel prices get high and stay high. Coupled with friendlier incentives to use energy more wisely, we can begin a transition to a solar, wind and bio-diesel fueled economy. Yes, I did just bash some forms of bio-diesel but we need trucks to get goods from the indirectly solar fueled trains to the stores.

I know that last paragraph probably sounded super-optimistic but I meant it as an expression of frustration. We have had the technology needed to make the big changes for years. As some car makers are mentioning in their ads, mass production can provide the ideal platform for an environment friendly system. When you have buildings with flat roofs sprawled out for acres, you have an ideal place to put solar panels. Not only do these formerly wasted spaces power entire complexes, they can sell environmentally friendly power back to the grid. Now, think of the rooftops of a major city.

With the massive amounts of cheap electricity available, we could put plug-in "gas stations" on every city block. With the economic and hassle issues settled, we could work on reducing the demand for oil products through the whole economy. Oil companies would be better off than they are now. With government research grants and tax incentives, they could make a fortune building the new infrastructure. At the same time, oil will be needed for certain products including plastics if I am not mistaken. Amazingly enough, the technology will only become more practical.

That is one of the main obstacles to making the move away from fossil fuels. People only want to do it when prices are high. It will involve spending tax dollars with little instant gratification. That means we'll have to have reasonable income taxes on the wealthy and higher gasoline taxes. If we had done it before this permanent crisis hit, the increase wouldn't have hurt so much. Instead, we continue to procrastinate and make the cost higher each day.

Melissa intervened when she recognized the mood I was in yesterday. I was angry at everything but at myself most of all. It's frustrating to know things are your fault in the literal sense but that you can't do all that much about it. Instead of writing about all the things I feel that I should have done, I'm going to move on to dealing with the mood. Melissa knew I'd feel better once I'd spent some of someone else's money.

Okay. I put it that way because that's how she put it to get me to smile. We had a number of gift cards to Border's Books and Other Stuff I like. There are days when I feel that I could go in there and buy every single item in the store. Unfortunately, that would require a lot more of other people's money than we had or will ever have.

The thing about me going out is that the entire trip is an adventure with a potential for disaster. Riding in the car hurts but I have a neck brace and medication to help with that. I have a fear of crowds and at least a strong aversion to large, open spaces. That's new and it surprised me. When I got out of the car and near the front of the store, I had a full blown panic attack including hyperventilation and nausea.

It was a battle between the amazingly interesting stuff on the outside discount rack and the desperation to get inside. Usually, Melissa looks over the discount racks while I stand there with her full of impatience. Normally, I know exactly what I want and find browsing to be irritating. This time, oodles of stuff outside the store interested me. I stood there drooling over official histories of the United States Army and Navy. Unfortunatly, they were too pricey for me even with a steep discount.

I did pick up (and purchase) two World War II history books to use as desktop references. One is a chronological history of events. Remember my old rant about history courses being too caught up with memorizing names and dates? Don't worry because I'm not going to repeat it here. I believe that serious history assumes that you can look up the damned dates. I'm pretty good with the big WWII dates but there are big gaps.

The other book was full of technical drawings for WWII aircraft. One big stopping point in my notes for a futuristic fictional universe is the level of detail required. The reader of a particular story might not care where the bathroom is in a long range bomber but I need to know just in case. More importantly, I need to know design differences between those who cared if their pilots survived and the aircraft designed for "disposable" pilots. After all, bad guys might not have the same ideas as the good guys.

It's also interesting to see how things are all put together. Once again, it's useful to think about where things can be placed. What is important to keep within reach and what is more of a luxury? I know things most readers wouldn't care about in both modern aircraft and their ancestors. It is very important to be able to have both liquids and the means to evacuate them when you're flying for more than 24 hours at a time.

Those were just the books I saw outside and not what I had in mind. I was there to fill some holes in my Pearl Jam collection. The biggest disappointment was that they no longer had any bootlegs. Obviously, I'm not talking about illegal copies here. These bootlegs are live shows recorded by the band. One of my favorite DJs had played songs from what was one of his favorite shows and I loved everything I heard. The show I'm looking for is not in stock at any Border's store so I got the Avocado album instead.

I drank my first cup of coffee of the day while absorbing this CD. Usually, listening to an entire CD is a quick trip to overload but not this one. Some of my favorites including one I was sure was a cover are on it. More importantly, this was a concept album I'd say pretty well sums up life in the Shrub's America. There was a song about being unemployed and another about waiting at home hoping your soldier spouse isn't dead and will come home soon.

That was amazing but I found something I'd never found in a Pearl Jam album. There was a spirituality to it that wasn't hostile to organized religion. One song did condemn the terrible connection between supposed "men of God" and wars but there was more. There was a longing to understand what, if anything, comes after life. The song I believed was a cover might have been a post-breakup song but it seemed more like an attempt to deal with a loved one's death.

The anger you expect was there but it was under control. The anger was there as a release from the sadness. These are just first impressions but I had waited so long to buy this that I forgot about it. I almost bought two other albums instead. The first one was too much money for songs I'd never heard. The second was one I listened to once and didn't like that much. Since that one listen, I've come to like most of it. I decided to buy the newest one instead at the same price. I'm glad I did.

This entry has been all over the place. It's obvious that I should remember to drink more coffee. I know that sounds silly but the difference between a day spent hiding in bed and a good day is that first sip. It's not as if I'm addicted to caffeine or anything since I've gone weeks without any quite a few times. For months, I've been feeling like an impostor coffee lover.

Sleeping has to be part of the picture. Yesterday, I knew I was going on two hours sleep so there was a nap planned. A Phillies day game almost ruined my plans but the team did me a favor and didn't show up so I was able to sleep anyway. I woke up when my mother called (right after Dad called but I don't think she knew that) and was happy to accept an invitation for the weekend.

She asked if she woke me up and I told her yes but it was okay. No one can be expected to know my sleep habits when I don't. Afterward, I went back to bed and slept from 6pm until 11pm or so. That's a typical good night of sleep right there but I went to sleep again after a brief time awake. I slept until 3am and was so sure I'd stay awake for a day or two that I took a shower. It was even more suprising to sleep until almost 8am.

This time, it was cold and VERY gray out there. I considered seeing if I could sleep the whole day away and changed my mind just in time. Instead, it's been a musical day in the best sense. There's a song on right now that fits a mood I'm thankful not to be in now. (The song is "Psycho" by Puddle of Mudd.) The line is something about missing being young. "...when everything was like a loaded gun ready to go off at any minute." I have moods like that when I miss times that weren't all that pleasant at times.

The Flyers and Phillies play tonight so I think I'll stay centered in the present and sign off for the day.