Theory and Writing

Sunday, May 31 2009

It amazes me how this whole life thing can be such a struggle one moment and then one can settle into a groove. It's still difficult but the difficulty need not be the central issue of my life all the time. That's not to say that I doubt that it must be at times. Maybe it's nice to be getting a break from the constant feeling of being in a life and death struggle. Then again, maybe the struggle doesn't have to be the day to day normal part of life. Is it possible that it could be the exception someday?

That was a real mouthful and I know it. Theory is a lot of fun for me. I get to put life into nice ordered boxes and then I wait for the gremlins to come in and dump all the boxes onto the floor. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have the fun of organizing it all again. I don't get upset when my nice, carefully considered ideas don't work out all the time. Theory is an imperfect reflection of reality and not vice versa.

Don't ask my why I feel better right now. I'm still in pain that crosses into extreme levels far too often but the pain isn't in control right now. I've been sleeping with the amusing exception of last night so it's too late to jinx myself. The hours I'm keeping shift unpredictably but that isn't bothering me. The wolves still howl away at the door yet I'm better able to laugh at them than I have been in quite some time.

My writing has been an important part of my various coping strategies over the decades so the fact that I've been able to work on fiction recently could be a big part of it. The journal helps but fiction allows me to take as many steps back from issues and ideas as I choose. My current project confronts my worst fears on one level. It is about losing a loved one to a long term illness that crushes her spirit before finally killing her off.

On the other hand, it is also very much about metaphorical deaths that I've mourned for so long that they interest me much less in a direct sense. At the same time, I'm enjoying the challenge of writing in what Rob Reiner (director of many favorite movies) would call the Jewish romantic tradition and its Gentile equivalent at the same time. He was interviewed about "When Harry Met Sally" and explained that it fit into the Jewish tradition of the romantic comedy. In my words, all the conflict is internal and can be resolved when the two characters stop being silly. At the same time, I'm writing about external obstacles like death that are far too real and powerful. Will love conquer all or will I end up writing a true romance that is defined as being about temporary or failed love?

The metaphorical deaths concept hit me hard last night as I started reading a book about cults. This book seems to be stating that cults are started by and populated with people who never got over a need for fairy tales. These people never grasped what I consider to be the most interesting concept in life, duality. Children are not equipped to understand that someone you love can also be your worst enemy. Adults are taught to accept the fact that they can't understand it completely but it can be true.

When you're a child, the adults around you are perfect beings who know everything and you are utterly dependent upon them. Things that don't make sense to you come across as the acts of capricious gods. When I used the term "metaphorical deaths," one concept I'm talking about is people who may or may not still be alive and well. I do not know and may never know because the rules of the adult world took me away from them before I was strong enough to either resist or understand.

My sense of personal loyalty was too strong to accept this for a long time. I stayed "faithful" for years to several girls with whom I only had the most childish of bonds. It didn't matter when a year or more passed between meetings because I stayed loyal. When it became clear that this loyalty was misplaced or truly hopeless, I tended to let the bonds snap as if the person were dead. I hope to God that most or all of these people are healthy and happy in their own lives but they stopped existing in mine.

The concept of the Big Three is a rebellion against that. I'm no longer a child bound by rules that the capricious gods set to torment me. I am my own person with potential that has yet to be measured. Therefore, it doesn't matter that the rules of adult society put these people beyond my reach before I came into my own. As one of those capricious gods, I can undo their work just as they undid mine.

Accepting a dualistic world also means accepting that the adults were not capricious gods setting rules designed to torment me. They had their own rules to follow and they did their best for me under the limitations they suffered. Much of what hurt me was for my own good whether directly or indirectly by supporting an ordered society. Some of the hurt came from the genuine mistakes of imperfect beings. Very little of it was malicious and even that tiny part is understandable. We hurt the ones we love.

The book on cults made me a lot angrier than I ever suspected. My brush with recruiters from a right wing Christian cult left more scars than I expected. It seemed as if every page gave me something new to be angry about. The book explained in very extensive terms exactly what made them pick me out as a target in the first place. They used a tactic that the book called "love bombing" with me and I ate up all that attention without suspicion. Luckily, I have a strong rebellious streak in me along with the capacity to withstand disapproval.

It was even more disturbing to read about things that I do or have done. My own personal network was recruited by means I felt seemed too close to initial cult tactics. I chose out vulnerable looking people, learned what interested them and then used that information to build something with them. This is when I have to remind myself and you that tactics and the goals for which one aims cannot be considered separately. The end does not justify the means and the means do not justify the end.

My tactics were and are designed to lift people up. This is an end in and of itself although I hoped for long term friendships. In short, I wasn't seeking to exploit people. I was looking for a two way street. The good news is that I managed to be angry at these cults for using perfectly legitimate tactics to hurt people.

The next disturbing level came in a section on resisting cult recruitment. If only I had done my reading and studied cults, I might have prevented two of the best friends I'd ever had from joining one. My very incredulity at the concept of throwing off what I considered to be the very basis of society could have been a force pushing them away. Instead, I should have been learning and passing on specifics about recruitment. As much as these guys did to help me survive the bad old days, I failed them.

Finally, the book freaked me out with theories on brain physiology. It turns out that cult recruitment and mind control tactics can produce symptoms a little too similar to mine. This connection is precarious and doesn't really survive the light of day but the book described how the cult lifestyles could be a lot like mine. Overusing mantras through constant chanting is designed to drive rational thought from the brain. Over time, it can damage the brain and make it less capable of understanding.

Most specifically, I can fret about my insomnia. The sameness of daily life in a cult has been known to produce insomnia. Is my insomnia related to my daily routine? If so, my recent sleep improvements could be linked to a recent uptick in varied activity. At the same time, I know that lack of routine can cause chronic insomnia as well. If you want to apply either model to my life, you can make it fit. Does this mean it's all my fault? Does this mean I shouldn't read too much into textbook theory that was off point from the start AND was written in 1983?

That last line was meant to be a laugh line. The book, Cults in America: Programmed for Paradise, may have been written in 1983 but it was interesting anyway. Insomnia makes things less funny sometimes while regular sleeplessness can be downright hilarious. For the longest time, I had "Things can be so much funnier when you haven't slept" for my IM status message. For the moment, I would state that I seem to have more of an abnormal sleep cycle than insomnia.

That isn't a diagnosis and it could change in a few hours when I get serious about trying to sleep. The thing is that there is a distinction. An insomniac is never really awake to the extent that most people are. I have no doubts that this is related to the link between insomnia and depression. When you're never really awake, you don't do things by choice. If it's fun and optional, you find yourself weighing it against the prospect of a nap. All too often, the nap attempt wins out.

An insomniac is also never really asleep. You nap, you meditate, you close your eyes and you remain aware of almost everything. Even though you count them as good sleep sessions, you wake up every little while often with an irresistable urge to get out of bed. Those little stretches of unconsciousness are as refreshed as you get so you believe you're good to go.

In the military, they train you to enter this state. No, I do not have any military training but I do read a lot. They also train you to accomplish things most people cannot even with a full night's sleep in what I've heard called "the drone zone." I can believe it because I've experienced so much of my life in it. Heck! I've learned to enjoy the state over brief periods and refer to it as my hyper-productive time.

The good news is that I've been sleeping better than I have for a while and I've been staying productive in my writing for someone in my condition. The first draft, or rather what I'd call an outline draft, of my newest project is coming along slowly but surely. I may even be averaging a page a day while writing in clumps of more or less five pages.

This "outline draft" (I may drop the term altogether.) is feeling very sparse but I'm trying to hit on all the plot's highs and lows before putting in the meat. Maybe it isn't possible to get pacing right in a first draft but this is the first time I haven't even tried. I decided not to try because I know it won't be easy to touch on all the most important parts in a novel that covers 30-40 years potentially. A semester or two has been tough enough in the past.