Return of Impostor Syndrome

Saturday, October 10 2009

You might say that I'm suffering from a case of impostor syndrome. In case I haven't used the term in a while, let me refresh it a little. You suffer from impostor syndrome when you have reason to question your basic level of competence at something central to your identity. It is almost always temporary and is triggered by unexpected difficulty. As a writer or a wannabe writer, I tend to suffer this mostly when I am hindered by writer's block.

This is a bad case. You all know of the multi-novel project I've been working on for ten years or so. I haven't gotten any serious feedback on it for almost half that time. That's left me working in a vacuum providing my own encouragement and criticism. You all know the general opinion that I'm my own worst critic, right? That's no longer the case. Okay. That's not fair. I asked for it literally and specified that I didn't want the critique to be a love fest.

There's a lot of weight and momentum behind years of effort even with the vacuum. I didn't have a critic available when I finished the first novel so I declared it done and went on to write two drafts of a second based on the first. The story needed to be finished so I went on and wrote the first draft of a third novel based on the first two. In order to push myself into getting the third novel second draft done, I asked for the critique.

So...what was the result? The victim couldn't get into the story because she didn't like the characters or feel like she knew them. One potential cause is my heavy emphasis on dialogue which was designed to let the readers get to know the characters easily. Even I will tell you that the story utterly fails if the reader does not like and feel as if she knows the characters.

Eep! I'm wondering if I'm an impostor or not now. Technique can be changed and additional drafts can be written. I have ideas on how to accomplish things I didn't dare try a decade ago. Can the technique be changed enough to establish that all-important character likeability and knowability? My theory on protagonist likeability assumes that it has to be earned through suffering and effort. The same does not apply to more minor characters.

The trick is not whether or not it can be changed. Anything can be changed. The trick is whether or not I have the skill and tenacity to find a plan then carry it out. I have a plan now but it is daunting to say the least. First, I need to finish the draft I'm working on at the moment. That's a lot of work. Then, I'll need to do a brand new draft on all my previous work with this project incorporating all I learn from the critic.

If I'm not an impostor, I'll find a way to enjoy it.

Impostor syndrome is over for the moment. I could think through the process of what went wrong or right all I wanted. I could tell myself that draft five of the first novel wasn't going to be that tough. I could tell myself that it would be tough and that tough work breeds character. I could tell myself that I made a rotten choice in asking my victim for feedback. None of that mattered as far as impostor syndrome goes.

There is only one way to get over that particular malady. You have to write your way out of it. Impostors give up and find something else to play at when faced with a little adversity. Writers write because that's what we do. Few of us write because we're getting paid to do so. A few more of us but still not very many write because of all the positive feedback. The rest of us write because not writing is out of the question.

For the past few days, I've been following my original plan but I've kept my victim's suggestions in mind. It's been the same combination of easy and difficult that it always is. While writing, I am at my least self conscious. Even after having a bubble burst, I am confident that this new material is good. It's better than what I've written before. Even if it isn't good enough, it can be with enough work.

I continue because the alternative is unthinkable.